I’m having an off day. One of those, “Why did we move here again?” moments that seems to be lasting for DAYS. Last week my cope-a-meter blitzed past “coping,” raced on towards “what the heck are we DOING here,” and then landed firmly in “I just really want some decent cheese.” If you need to know anything about living in Burundi, it’s that once you start dreaming about lands with better cheese… it’s over for you. At that point, the CHEESE point, the needle on my cope-a-meter officially broke.
Yes, we made a dramatic move and launched our family in a life altering direction FOR THE BETTER… but today I have nothing positive to say about it. TODAY being a family with our feet planted firmly outside our home culture is hard.
It would be a complete lie if I told you I didn’t STILL struggle with living my life here. As an outsider. The color of my skin, the language I speak, the culture I come from… NONE of it blends easily in this place. I KNOW we are capable of living here, of coping, of making it work. It’s just… I’m not sure I’m ok with just “coping.” When will we be THRIVING. Really, when?
I wonder if Myles will be ok learning in a French speaking school. Will French ever feel “normal” to him? I wonder if my kids will notice that I am just a little awkward in this place. That all its “foreign-ness” has me on constantly feeling like a teenager. I worry if living here will shape them in a NEGATIVE way that I could not predict. Could not prevent. Could not control.
Here I am.
A person who has to fight to believe in the good EVERYDAY.
A pessimism junkie.
It’s nice to meet you.
All images film, Hasselblad 501 C
oh crud. the part where you talked about neo and your journal made me cry. i know how you feel there. right with you. love this. love your images. love you.
thanks Krystal! i so appreciate the encouragement!
I just said to Tom yesterday, “Djibouti makes me feel like an angst-filled teenager back in high school, wishing I was part of the ‘in’ crowd but knowing I never will be.” Sucks.
@Rachel, yup sure does! crazy, huh? never thought i would feel that way again!
That’s what I love about your posts Kristy. You’re a real girl. And you aren’t afraid to let your readers see your real side. Here’s a big hug from Wi. and a big wish that I could just send you some good cheese!
@Michelle, thank you! I always flinch when I click the “publish” button (and thanks for the hug!).
The sad thing is most of us always feel like a “pubescent teenager”. The truth is we are Gods favorite children and in our most awkward he loves and uses us anyway (in most cases more). You are making a difference Kristy, your strength and character are helping to instill a sense of adventure and empathy in your boys. They will know that differences in culture create beauty and it does not have to destroy; and they will have the strength to follow Gods plan with limited or no fear. Prayers from WI.
He won’t waste anything……
Kristy, your writing never ceases to impress with its heartbreaking honesty. Living a an impactful life is can be so much less romantic and frustrating than we lead ourselves to believe when we take that leap. I’ve been following your blog for about a year now, and can’t thank you enough for the daily inspiration. I’d love to publish some of your work on The Righters (www.the-righters.com) – an online publication of voices from the frontlines of social movements. It’s a collection of honest insights into living a life of integrity and impact and your work couldn’t be more perfect. I hope you will consider it. And thank you again for the inspiration.
Hi– I’ve just started reading your blog and have found it interesting. I don’t know what your situation is in terms of how long you need to stay there… but I just wanted to put out there that I think it’s okay to change your plans. I’ve been in situations where I completed things that I made a commitment to and were really hard and I’ve also quit things early. As someone who always try to finish things I start I can relate to feeling the need to complete and make the difference you want to make. But it’s also okay to change course.
I think that there will always be times of not knowing – did we do the right thing? Will our kids be ok? What if they dont like or cant cope with the changes?
I too have those days – and that is when I take stock of where we used to be, what we have managed to achieve and look within for answers!
It would be good if there was a looking glass that could let us know if we are doing the right thing for our families! But I guess we can only do whats best for the moment in time.
I also head to my favorite blogs for inspirations :)
Hope you have a good week xx
As I wait for baby #3 I wonder how I missed so much of the baby and toddler time of #1 and #2. I think that is one of the hard parts of parenting. It is easy to get lost in the day to day, and our memoires fail us unfortunately.
Hang in there lady!
@Maggie @Linda @Kassia @susan @Lisa @Danielle THANK YOU for your support and encouragement. Thank you for being so generous with your great thoughts!
I can identify with so many of your posts. We were packing and moving cross country about the same time you guys were. But we moved from PA to WI, to a place with lots of cheese (from what I hear) and far less cultural changes than your move. It can be hard and uncomfortable and lonely anywhere you are though, the hardest part for me was leaving what was our life. Our normal. A place and a people I loved and connected with. I know you left that too. I just returned from a PA visit and it has been harder to jump back in than I expected. I know you just enjoyed a trip back to your SA home, I’m sure it was super hard to return to Burundi after that. :( Thank for sharing your heart. Sending up some heart cries for you to stay strong and find encouragement and comfortable moments in your everyday.
@Jamie. Glad to have a moving buddy… change is hard (and worth it!). Sending up the same prayers for you!
Hey Kristi and Company,
My near 2 year old just sent my post somewhere into cyber nowhere. I apollogize if this is a repeat. I like this post. Doubts are normal part of life. I think the jist of what I wanted to say is…. What would your boys have missed out on if you and Ben had not stepped out to follow this dream? I think the regrets of not going may have overshadowed any doubts you now have.
Anywho, my hat goes off to you all. Keep going!!