I struggle with the idea of comparing lifestyles, because that’s not really what life is all about. That said, I do often feel like the expat lifestyle is easily misunderstood. Most expats have chosen the country they reside in, some landed there by chance, and others were forced through crisis to find a new home. I guess here I am speaking mainly about the expat experience I know, which is moving by choice to a developing nation.
1) Myth #1: Having household help means living a privileged life
There are movies about the allure of colonial life. The main character (a brave rugged British expat) arrives home, puts his hat next to him on the chair and in the time it took for him to cross the veranda and sit down, a gin and tonic has arrived born by the hands of a devoted house helper.
In my experience, it’s nothing like that. People often suggest that we live an opulent life because we don’t clean our own toilets. It’s true, not cleaning toilets is really great, but taking on household staff means looking out for them as well as their families. It means being married to their medical expenses, their family problems, the education of their children, and their dreams for the future. In short, it means adopting them as family. If you are anything like me, this idea almost as appealing as the thought of someone else folding your underwear. Even so, I’ve let our staff into my “inner circle” and they really are part of the family.
Now that we are so busy with our Long Miles, we really couldn’t function without the team of people who run our household. That sounds crazy, but the culture here is different and takes much more time and effort to navigate. For instance, it is not unheard of to spend an entire day waiting to buy more electricity credits to power the house. With frequent shortages of certain foods and supplies, having someone else spend 2 hours tracking down sugar instead of me is really appealing. Next time you want to tell an expat how “easy” they have it because they don’t clean their own toilet, think again. By having staff, they are managing people and taking care of an entire family unit beside themselves.
a rare adventure filled moment with friends
2) Myth #2: Life abroad is one big adventure
Today I am here in Burundi and my mom is getting her second round of chemo as she fights liver cancer. I wish I could be there and I won’t be because of our choice to make a life in Burundi. Expats miss family birthdays and Christmases and funerals. They show their kids pictures of family members on the 30-hour plane ride “home” because the kids have forgotten “which cousin is which” and they can’t remember what the USA looks like anymore.
leaving family behind
3) Myth #3: It’s Cool
For about 30 minutes in a 24-hour day I feel like I sort of MIGHT have myself together. I often sound like an crazy person. My French is poor and terribly accented and my Kirundi is even worse. I am generally a sweaty mess (lucky, everyone else is a sweaty mess too) and there is just nothing cool about sticking out like a sore thumb everywhere you go. As a recovering perfectionist, I am thankful for Burundi. I have learned lessons about vulnerability and courage here that I would not trade for any air-conditioned English speaking country on the planet.
celebrating countless birthdays away from grandparents
Myth #4: Traveling is practically the same as being an expat
The world seems to love lumping “expat life” and “traveling” together as if they are interchangeable. I can tell you one thing I know for certain, I am NOT on a vacation. As my friend Abby likes to say, “You really LIVE there.” There is a distinct difference between traveling to a place and living in it. I think we could all travel to MOST places in the world and find things to enjoy about that place for a short time. It’s when the dust has settled that the bravery begins.
Learning to live life in a foreign land is not really something travelers have to do. They are just passing though. Travelers don’t have to think about where their kids will go to school, how they will get groceries, or if they will ever see a sushi roll again. Travelers beware, when you are visiting expats in a foreign land take caution when throwing out phrases like, “It would be so EASY to live here” or “This is so much nicer than the United States.” Keep up that talk and your expat friend might just throw you to the hippos.
Myth #5: Expats have special powers and ride unicorns
The following phrase is completely untrue and I hear it all the time. Ready? Here goes… “I could never do what you do.” I will agree with the ethos of this statement, which seems to be that choosing the path we chose has not made for an “easy” life all the time. Moving any family half way across the world is not easy. Neither is learning new languages, trying to understand a foreign culture, or starting a business overseas. It’s no walk in the park, but neither are many of the challenges facing the modern day family. A United States dwelling couple working 80 hours between them, raising kids and perusing artistic ventures on the side… that doesn’t sound easy either. We all face unique challenges no matter where we are or what life looks like for us. Am I right? Although, secretly I reserve the right to carry on believing in unicorns.
Love it lady – you are particularly awesome and so is your writing. I always hoped I would one day find the magic powers and unicorns…guess not! Xx
Agree! Agree! Agree! Thanks so much for taking the time to write this. At times though, I did feel like I had to find, catch and ride a unicorn!
Really appreciate this insight. As someone who works with people living around the world on a consistent basis, I love seeing honest responses to statements/questions like these. It is helpful to see these thoughts no matter where you call home!
What a great post. Romanticizing is so easy — and makes living vicariously through so terribly pleasant, but it IS nice to have a dose of reality. Thanks for sharing. I will come and have a cup of tea with you one day (I am sadly highly allergic to coffee).
Love from Texas,
HF
Loved your post! and I am amazed by how you’re doing what you’re doing, and have somehow found time to have me over at your house for two amazing dinner parties already. Thanks so much!
thanks for articulating this – I wish I had been able to do so during my first years overseas. you are thought of and prayed for as you navigate this life you’ve been called to!
I really enjoyed reading this. You couldn’t have been clearer and more honest. As a foreigner married to a Burundian, living in Burundi, I have an issue when it comes to indentifying which ‘group’ i fit into. I can totally relate to this blog post and so i guess….no longer feel alone. Thank you.
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Hi, I am living in Burundi too, and I love your post. It is so true, especially the part about having people to work for you and “I could never do what you do”… everyone who wants to can – and yet, apart all the challenges – I love to live and work in Burundi :)
Life is much harder in the Western world if you have a young family and not much money and live in a big city without family.Life is way easier in the developing world if you are an ex pat with young children.Yes you do experience all that was written in the article plus more BUT…….. the sun,smiling faces,extended “family”,friends easily made,the closeness of your family that comes from being far away,children learning within months a different language,children mixing with many ethnic groups,and many many more positive things.I brought up four children in developing countries ,often in remote areas, and for some time as well in the West.These children are now adults ,have a very broad way of thinking and are all working in different developing countries!
Now to think about dinner- wish I had my cook !
I think you nailed it. You know, from what I’ve seen from being a little part of your ex-pat life. You really LIVE there! I’ll never get over it. But you live it well, girl. Looks good on you. Even the sweaty mess part.
This was a wonderful post on ex-pat life. I especially identified with the last comment. When my husband and I announced to friends and family that we would be moving to Tanzania, the first response was, “I could never do that, even though I want to.” It was really astounding! We replied, “Of COURSE you can! We’re not special.” But I think we still fight that perception for the duration of our time overseas, whatever that will be. Thank you for another great East African blog for us to follow!
Ashley
leenhome.blogspot.com
Have you not gotten your unicorn yet? Must be a problem with the post, as ours arrived about three weeks after we touched down in China. Maybe it got lifted as it passed through customs…
Great article. I’ve been an expat for 15 years, and have discovered that going home for me – as much as I love being back where I had my first thirty years of life – is pretty difficult. We don’t own a home in the U.S., so we live out of suitcases for the duration of our stay, and that gets pretty old. We also feel like we are impositions on everyone, even though they express no reason for us to feel that way.
But at the end of the day, all the challenges are what I love about the expat life. Life is certainly rarely uninteresting!
Cheers,
Nate
Having family and very close friends in different parts of the world, you have done a great job of giving us a realistic view of your life, sacrifices, and daily routines. We are thankful for you and the work you are doing. You all are very gifted and using those gifts well.
We been out of the country for two extended times and we might be headed for a permanent move. Just waiting for the door to open.
Thank you so much for your writing!
Yup! You got it! I have been outside the USA 9 years now. It’s wonderful, it’s hard… but it’s just life! It would be hard in USA for other reasons, as you noted! And as much as I cry when we leave the USA, knowing it will be 2+ years before our next visit and the kids will have grown up so much, and they adore their grandparents and miss them so much… we still choose to continue living overseas. This is life for the good and for the bad.
I was smiling and nodding through the entire read. Well said!
I 100% agree with this post. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing it up!
Beautifully written….I agree completely.
I’ve seen this first hand, as for my son and his family have lived overseas for several years now as missionaries. It’s more than their choice, they are being obedient to their calling from the Lord. They have experienced all that you wrote in your article and I appreciate your candor. Yes there are so many great experiences that blesses them but people who think that it’s a vacation are sorely mistaken. Or because they’ve wiggled in a layover in a nice place on their 40 hour trip home their somehow doing great seeing the world. I’ve visited them in Africa and Indonesia and trust me traveling 24 to 40 hours on airplanes and through airports in foreign countries is grueling at times. God bless you and all those who live away from “home” and bless the home and family you’ve met along the journey.
Thank you for your perspective. While my family and I don’t live in a developing country (we live in Portugal), we identify with many of these myths and often feel like we have to defend ourselves from them. We’re getting ready for reverse culture shock as we will travel back to the States for a few months. As we try to prepare our kids for all of the choices and the grandeur of all that is American, I pray that we may be able to keep them grounded and let them know that as great as the USA is, we still have a job to do back “home” in Europe. Thanks again for the well-written article.
Hello,
It is wonderful to hear from another expat. I currently am an expat living in Indonesia with my Husband and 2 children. We live here because of my Husband’s job. I really appreciate how you put to words lots of the things I feel the same about. I haven’t even lived in Indonesia a year and the transition has been pretty rough.
Thank you for letting other’s back home know a little of what we as expats go through. God bless.
Sincerely, Michaela.
Am I the only one that thinks this article is bunk on bunk on bunk on bunk on bunk? I’m glad to see it has made many readers happy however. Happy little expats.
It takes all kinds – apparently!
Well written. You should follow this up with an “I know that I’ll strangely miss all of this someday” article. We left Kigali about one year ago and miss it every day! FYI, if you ever get up there (the bus from Buja is not that bad) look for Sakae Restaurant. We never knew our standard for sushi would be set in Africa! Envious even of the trials you face. Laughing at the craziness helps some days too! Blessings. Imana Iguhe umugisha. (That’s Kinyarwanda, but it’s close to Kirundi!)
Only posting the positive? How cute. Cute little expats.
Wow, what a hyper-entitled perspective on “feeling sorry for my über privileged self-effacing self” themes. Do you really think this way? Really? Please look at the big picture.
Where can I put my like ;)
i think that she is just saying that because she is in a foreign country and that she happens to have household help does not mean she is privlidged or special in any way. She is in a different country where customs and culture is different. Unless you have lived there and had a different experience, you really cannot judge someone. It is a typical stereotype (esp in the US and I am American so I know what I am talking about), that someone who has household help is wealthy when that is just not the case at all everywhere in the world. And for those people who have never moved their entire lives to a different country and out of their comfort zone, they may assume this is the case. In my own experience my friends and family have no idea what it is like living in a foreign country and they never will because they will always remain in the US where they have lived their entire lives and any and all trips outside of the US will be that, trips that they go on for a few weeks and return to their lives when they are done.
I suspect my comment will not clear moderation, but may lead to introspective contemplation
What an accurate take on expat life! I have been in Tanzania now for 2 & half years and will be moving back to SA soon to rejoin my family. I often meet travellers at the Utengule lodge and they cannot get enough of the place. Obviously they have not experienced the solitude; lack of basic resources and also frustration. It is hard to live here and you feel as though you loose touch with everything you hold dear. Having said that I have to admit that this was the best decision I have made in my life. I have met some wonderful people and we have been involved in some great charity projects
TRUE. TRUE. TRUE. And, I believe in unicorns.
“There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign.” Robert Louis Stevenson
Joy, You got it right: “For the good and bad”.
I did three years in Kigali. Loved it. Worked at the embassy (that made it a LOT easier), started the International School of Kigali and the mormon church in Rwanda. Busiest time of my life. One of the happiest.
We are now in Zimbabwe, 2 minutes ago our housekeeper just informed us that our gardener was arrested a few days ago. The author has it right, they become family. Now I have to figure out how to deal with my wayward gardener-brother.
We certainly have experiences a person in the US will never likely have, but we experience headaches everyday that they will never have either.
Would I trade the life? Well, we did Beijing, Kigali, Belgrade, Baghdad and now Harare. I am tired and will likely go home next year. This blog hit it on the head.
Yes Yes Yes as we are on our 4th Foreign Assignment ( 2 with our school age kids, 2 with them off to University in the USA) and hoping for 1 more before Retirement . It took one visit for our parents to understand that household help/ company provided this and that did not mean we were in the lap of luxury . We always found a place and people to worship , play , meet our medical needs. Our kids are well adjusted Global Nomads and we love to travel as a family and explore new places . But most importantly we love being together in the Jungles of SE Asia, Dessert of Middle East, Staring up at the Eiffle Tower all lit up , walking Into St Basils , skiing in Austria, TX, CA, OK, UT… Most of All being together ! Love being an Expat Wife !
What a over generalisation! Missing your mum’s chemo is your choice, because money has ultimately come before family – don’t try and disguise this as anything else.
And the fact that you allow someone else to clean your toilet really does say a lot about someone’s character.
thats harsh. and no, not everyone has the extra money to afford a ticket home. If they did, then everyone who is an expat would just go home when ever they could. the fact is, just like in the US, if you do not have the extra money to fly somewhere due to bills, work commitments and etc you don’t. The whole point of this post was to explain that, it is different in location and etc but the normal daily life stuff is still the same. I am speaking as an expat at well so I know what I am talking about. As for the comment about someone cleaning your toilet, a lot of those people who clean toilets need the money and the job to keep their families alive. There is nothing wrong with having someone in service and paying them for their work. If she worked at McDonald’s she would do the same. Just because you are above that sort of work does not mean everyone else in the world is.
My advice is get out of Africa and get to a decent country to enjoy the real expat life.
Nicely said. However I will contradict one thing: It think it’s very cool – and quite healthy – to stick out like a sore thumb wherever you go. Too many pale-faced westerners have no idea what it’s like to be a visible minority. It’s something everybody should have to experience at least once in their lives. It forces us to look at ourselves differently as well as to appreciate the vast scope of the human race. It underlines the distance we’ve gone and ultimately enriches the entire expat experience.
Jon
currently in Bangalore, India
How about a grandmother, on her own living as an expa?. That would be me and I do appreciate the post. In the late 80’s I lived abroad (from USA) with my six children (adopted from five countries) when they were very young. The challenges were so hard, sometimes I would ask myself why I was taking this path and now as my children are all in their 30’s with family of their own, I love to hear when they say the best time of their childhood was when we were living overseas. (Bangkok, Calcutta, Kathmandu, Dhaka) The living was not easy but the friends we made were for life, the intense experiences we went through we wouldn’t trade. For me now the hardest part of it all is not seeing my grandchildren often – I am forever grateful for skype!! My take is life is tough regardless of where you live, I just choose to share mine away from the US. I have an instant ‘church family’ wherever I go, I bloom where I am planted and love it all.
Having lived overseas for 24 years in South America, I can resonate with what you say, but I would hate for people to think my life was hard or I was a complainer. Yes, when someone said to me (rather sarcastically), “I wish I had a maid,” I answered, “Well, you can! Just come live here!” But I also told people I thought I had the best life ever, truly my dream life–serving God, teaching the Bible to people who wanted to know more, raising my kids in a context that protected them from many of the world’s sins while giving them a huge world view, being forced to trust God everyday for guidance, protection, wisdom, and support. I’ve been back in the states for 6 years now and whenever we go back to visit (about once a year) I find that I miss the authenticity and intensity of the faith and ministry I had there.
It is difficult to give an opinion about your experience, because nobody else is on your shoes.
But from the outside, just look like you had a bad day, and it sad to see how many people agree with you, meaning that they all having the same experience.
I had been an expat for over 10years, and I’m extremely thankful that my experience has been great. Not easy, but life is not easy any ware …
I enjoy traveling to new countries every three years , meeting new people new cultures , and OMG I enjoy trying new food :p . I have two girls and most of the time we have to stay behind while daddy get in to his new position, and we finish packing and school, but when we get back together, its feel so good.
We left ours families back in our countries, but we have grown so clouse to each other.
My husband and I are one, and our girls are our everything. We have not lost our families, we are just putting together our own.
I hope that the possible expat, that read this, don’t put off their plansof becoming one, every experience is unic, go for it, and then tell your story.
As you can see English is my second language, I hope you didn’t have much trouble reading this :)
Evy.
Quit your whinging. Not all expat posts are a 6 month stint in Iraq. Quite a few, if not the most, are plum gigs living high on the hog. I’ve seen it, in fact taught the offspring of said suffering ex-pats. Not only do they feel they’re doing God’s work in their air-conditioned homes, land-rovers and villas, they pocket the hard-earned hardship allowances the go with. It can be a pretty nauseating spectacle seeing the land-rover run to school in the morning. These folks might want to try making rent in some Western city to see what real hardship is all about. Oh, no time for that, they’re busy saving the world and supporting the local economy with their tax-funded largesse. Keep up the good work expats, you’ve really helped make places like Luanda the splendors they’ve become.
As a missionary volunteer in neighboring Rwanda I totally understand and find this article really sums up so much. Thankyou for writing it, glad to see my thoughts match others
Oh, how I love this post. The photos remind me of life in eastern Congo, and the 5 myths… oh how many times have I heard them all over the past few years I’ve spent as an expat? Especially the fifth one. You are so right about these myths, and expat life in general. I think a lot of things look glamorous and exciting from the outside, but when you’re living it, it is just life. A different life, maybe, but the life that you’ve chosen, with all of the usual life concerns like how do I get grass stains out of denim again? and which cell provider am I going with?
We do all face challenges, though different ones depending on what we’re doing with our lives, and this is such a good reminder. Thanks!
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Sounds tough in Burundi. Here in SE Asia, things are really relaxed; gardeners keep our walled garden looking pristine, and pick the tropical fruit for us, which we share with them. Our maid keeps the house incredibly clean, which allows us to laze around (when I’m not working). So, I’d have to disagree with the ‘household help’ comments. I think we could function without them but they really, well, help.
When combined with the great climate and amazing food, I’d say that life in general is 100 times easier, infinitely more interesting and enjoyable than living in UK which is quite drab and dull in comparison. I do miss friends and family but life here is just so good.
We do have challenges every so often but nothing major, and we don’t have children which makes things a lot easier too.
However, as a teacher I do feel for the NGO and Embassy families who have to move every 3 years, as a matter of policy. It’s really hard for the kids, some 10 yr olds have already lived in 3 or 4 places and although they’re experiencing different cultures, it’s tough for them to ‘up and off’ just when they settle with new friends.
I agree with the traveller thing; people skipping through countries, taking some selfies and uploading to FB, thinking they’ve been there and done it, not so.
Hope it works out for you in Africa, it will probably get easier :)
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Wonderfully, beautifully put!! You hit all the themes we talk about with other expats and try to explain to our families and friends back home!!
My husband and I are in our second experience abroad. We’ve done West Africa and are now in Asia.
Reading this has been uplifting, because we’ve been “accused” of living a life of luxury and glamour abroad, while I don’t speak enough Mandarin to tell the Taiwanese shop owner that I’m looking for bell peppers. Glamour indeed!
Thank you for sharing this with the world, hopefully you’ve shed some light on the expat life :-)
What a fantastic, balanced take on the expat life! Although in some ways I can’t imagine dealing with the complications of raising kids in the States, it’s certainly not easy here in northwestern Tanzania! Thanks for representing us expat mothers, especially.
Having been one of those “expats” for 28 years along with a husband and five kids, I can say that I understand and agree!!!!!
As a mom in the US the loss of family is difficult. It is wonderful for them to enjoy and experience the local traditions but we miss them at the holidays. It is not always possible for family to visit many parts of the world like Angola Africa. The Ex pat must respect the local customs and learn the language to enjoy the life in the country. I do think they return as mature and humble adults. The kindness they share with locals is rewarding for all.
I love your point of view and clear explanations. From my experience in Congo next door, I would have added chikungunya, malaria, negative reactions to malaria prophylaxis, salmonella and other food poisonings. How about the lack of vegetables. Does anyone else get bored with cauliflower every night? I also would have added home break-ins, which really make one feel violated. For awhile there was a push to take away the private school experience for expat kids, but I see that as a fair trade for all of the dangers.
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My wife and I have been “expats” for more than 25yrs, and our three sons are 100% expat kids. They are now in their early 20’s, and have lived (I.e.: have a home, learn the language, go to school, have local friends, etc…) in 12 countries, on every single continent. My wife picked up about 8 languages (I somehow got stuck at 3), almost one per country where we lived. Learning the local language, the currency, what you can buy at the local market, on which day or which season, the “Do” and the “Don’t” of each place… And as soon as you finally get familiar with all that, and have made friends in the meantime… It’s usually time to move on, and re-discover everything elsewhere…
Every word you wrote is spot on! Thanks for this nice testimony on our crazy “expat life”… Which is so addictive, despite all these difficulties and frustrations.
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What a great post and I think you are right in saying that expat life is often romanticised and people end up with the wrong impression. As you pointed out, it isn’t a holiday. You are not surrounded constantly by the luxuries a holiday gives you. It is a tough move abroad to somewhere new and out of your comfort zone. There are so many things to think about such as properties and expat medical insurance and the language and jobs that it really takes guts to do.
Reading this I’m wondering if its a case of those who have experienced life as expats totally understanding where this article comes from and then those who have never experienced the ups and downs…………demonstrating a little jealousy that they never had the opportunity.
from personal experience as an expat yes there are some lovely perks mixed in with annoyances such as help who think if you’ve got more than them then your hard earned belongings are for them to share…probably my least favourite part of it all.
still-its an interesting if not immensely challenging experience i usually feel grateful to have lived.
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So let me get this straight. You guys get to live on company dime, in many cases get extra benefits and in some cases have to adjust to a different life style and be kings among men – and yet you still have the nerve to complain about ANY of it? Some people are never happy or please. Go back to your countries then if expat life is so darn hard on you.
Thank you for sharing YOUR feelings and experiences! Your honesty is refreshing. Funny, as others read complaining I read the life of an honest, sincere, faith-filled mother and wife and applaud you for sharing!
I know so many who have lived and worked cross-culturally who would agree with you 100%. Your writings help me to understand them better.
Your courage is inspiring!
… It’s interesting that those who are very critical about this post don’t share real stories to back up their criticisms but rather shoot out anecdotal judgements. The apparent lack of life experience in those critical comments speaks volumes.
Hi there mates, how is the whole thing, and what you would
like to say concerning this article, in my view its in fact remarkable for me.
Thanks for the great article. I posted it onto my Facebook page hoping my friends back home would read it. Not sure if anyone did but I hope if they did, they have a little more understanding. Before I left the US, I was visiting with my Uncle who asked me “So, what are you going to do first when you get to Germany?” I looked at him blankly, as I could not believe that he was asking me this! He became an expat in the early 80’s and had been through all of this stuff before. I answered “Finding a place to live and where to buy groceries.” He did not say much after that. Thank you for your blog post and good luck in Burundi!
Well, it looks like one myth that has not been dispelled (judging from the negative comments) is that if you are an expat you automatically get special privileges, have plenty of money (to travel back to the US when someone is sick) which you don’t have to work for (or do all the fund raising for). From my experience, there are those who do live at a high level with air conditioning in upper class homes, etc., but most live at a slightly lower level–maybe lower middle-class lifestyle.
I appreciate this post because I have been getting tired of this kind of life and my husband and I are making plans to go back to the US to support our aging parents. But some things people have written make me realize that many people are dealing with much more and, yes, someone cleans my toilet, usually.
I don’t get the purpose or motivation behind the few judgmental, mean spirited comments, which say so much more about the commenter than anyone else.
Come on man life as an expat is great. True there is the home sickness and not being there for your family. But you live like kings. You can afford those maids and shamba man to lawn your lawn. True the $150 you pay your maid would not last a day back home. Remember that pay goes a long way to help that maids family.. and unless you want too, you dont have to take the family on…. Its usually the expats choice. Unless of course you are a missionary then its a different story. But still being an expat in a developing country is a luxury! Enjoy it no need to explain yourself. What ever you are doing is benifitng at least that house maid who runs to you with a gin and tonic
Really enjoyed this. I can’t relate to #1 being an American in France but the others? Right on. People’s perceptions of expat life don’t always mesh with reality and no matter where we live or what we do, there are always sacrifices and tradeoffs. Thx for this